Miscarriage and still birth are topics which are seldom widely and openly discussed. This forbidden status means we are ill-prepared when confronted with the subject of pregnancy loss, let alone the reality of the death of our own baby.
Pregnancy loss - whether a miscarriage or a stillbirth - is a common health experience, but one which impacts people differently. Subsequent pregnancy losses may also affect the same person very differently.
Miscarriage is the sudden loss of a pregnancy before the 20th week, with about 10-20% of known pregnancies ending in miscarriage. The actual number, however, is likely to be higher because many miscarriages occur early on, before people even realise they're pregnant.
Stillbirth is the birth of a baby who has died any time from 20 weeks into the pregnancy. The death of the baby may occur during the pregnancy or, less commonly, during delivery. In Australia, one in every 135 pregnancies which reach 20 weeks will end with a stillborn child.
Pregnancy loss, like death, is a taboo topic, its reality often hidden away in hospitals and other care facilities. As a result, as a society, we don’t know how to talk about it or how to hold space for someone who is grieving.
Although well-intentioned, often in an effort to provide comfort or to fix the situation, people can make insensitive comments in response to the news of a pregnancy loss or still birth. They say things which are not supportive, don’t acknowledge the person’s suffering and minimise their experience.
It is really hard to know what to say when someone you care about is suffering, even if you have had a similar experience. But there are some fabulous free resources out there, like the ones on The Pink Elephants Support Network website, which can give you some ideas on how to show up for someone who has lost their baby including:
- Expressing your sympathy;
- Acknowledging the loss of their baby;
- Just listening and being present;
- Letting them know grief has no time limit and you are there for them no matter how long it takes;
- Sharing your experience, if it appropriate, so they know they are not alone; and
- Doing practical things to help out - like cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing, picking up their other children and staying in touch.
Some people experience grief and distress in the face of their pregnancy loss, but not all will. Seeking professional counselling, with someone specialising in pregnancy loss, can be helpful for some people; as can talking to someone who has had a similar experience.
Talking about it can help people who have lost a child realise they are not alone, that their feelings and emotions are perfectly normal and valid. It is a powerful phenomenon, knowing there are other people who not only sympathise, but empathise with your experience. Both the Red Nose Grief and Loss and The Pink Elephants Network have trained peer support workers available to talk.
Has this happened to you?
Some people have found it helpful to help others through their grief and give back to the community through volunteering. You might consider becoming a peer support volunteer with one of the organisations listed below.
Others have helped by talking about their experiences. This helps raise awareness of pregnancy loss and makes it a little easier for those who come after.
“As hard as it may be to talk about the loss of a baby and with the baby, one’s hopes and dreams, I look forward to the day where we talk about our losses openly, where we hold space for the grief and pain of those who are experiencing it, where we shed the stigma and with it the unwritten, unspoken expectation that we should “just get over it” and that “it isn’t a big deal”.
It's time to make the unspoken, spoken. It’s time to rebel.”
Niti Nadarajah, The Miscarriage Rebellion Podcast
Resources
The Pink Elephants Network - How to support some who has experienced a pregnancy loss
https://www.pinkelephants.org.au/page/142/emotional-support-resources-for-how-to-give-support
Free counselling and support
Bears of Hope https://www.bearsofhope.org.au
Red Nose grief and loss https://rednosegriefandloss.org.au/
Information and helpful resources
The Still Birth Foundation https://stillbirthfoundation.org.au/
The Miscarriage Rebellion podcast https://www.pinkelephants.org.au/page/242/podcast
MuM documentary Misunderstandings of Miscarriage https://www.mumdocumentary.com/
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